my mother taught me to write letters

In the summer of 2009 I was dealing with my separation from the Air Force, my apparent unemployability, Angelbiscuit’s multi-month absence, and (unknowingly) entering my fourth consecutive year of declining mental health. On top of everything, I’d bought a house approximately 20 minutes before the market collapsed, and now was trying to make payments to JPMorgan Chase (may the fat melt from [their] miserable bones!) on an income of… let me do the math here: nothing into nothin’, carry the nothin’…

I had been principally banking with USAA since the mid-aughts, but retained my membership with the University of Kentucky Federal Credit Union (UKFCU) because it was something my mother’d taught me: ‘credit unions good’. Yet, compared with the (still) fantabulous customer service of USAA, the staff at the UKFCU were lacking. I called them in the summer of 2009, hoping to secure some assistance with my situation, and the representative whose name I’ve redacted compelled me to write the following letter.

26 July 2009

[REDACTED]
University of Kentucky Federal Credit Union

2557 Sir Barton Way

Lexington, Kentucky  40509-2275






Dear [REDACTED],


After our unsatisfactory conversation of 23 July, I have decided to close my accounts and conduct no further business with the University of Kentucky Federal Credit Union.  Yours is but the most recent—and final—lapse in your institution’s customer service adequacy and member courtesy, and I am no longer willing to continue lowering my expectations when my primary financial institution repeatedly meets and exceeds all standards.  However, as I currently have no other points of contact at the credit union, you shall have to serve as my agent in this matter.

At present time my UKFCU checking account has a balance of negative $1.96, while my UKFCU savings account contains a positive balance of $25.  I hereby close my savings account and apply its funds to my checking account, only so far as to zero the balance of the latter.  Once squared, my checking account is also to be closed, and my remaining $23.04 will be mailed to my home address on file (and listed above).

I require no further digital or physical correspondence from the UKFCU with the exception of my impending balance cheque.

Yours sincerely,

Daniel C. Hodges
Staff Sergeant, USAFR

cc: Branch Manager, UKFCU, Sir Barton Way.

Apparently I got through to someone because I received the cheque as I’d stated. However, I continued to receive correspondence from the credit union. I figured they must have misunderstood me, so I wrote them again.

09 November 2009

[REDACTED]

University of Kentucky Federal Credit Union

2557 Sir Barton Way

Lexington, Kentucky  40509-2275



Dear [REDACTED],


While you managed to accomplish the majority of the directives I gave in my missive of 26 July 2009, you apparently failed to reconcile my requirement that I receive no further communications form the UKFCU.

I recently received my second envelope from your organization addressed to me and labeled “Good News for University of Kentucky Federal Credit Union Members!”  I am no longer a UKFCU member per my previous letter (of 26 July 2009), and have two problems with this correspondence.  (a) This explicitly states—as addressed to me—that I’m still a member of your organization.  If you’re confused on this point, allow me to clarify: I am no longer a member of your organization, and do not want to be associated therewith ever again.  I hope this clears things up if you were confused.  (b) As I have zero interest in your correspondence, it is a waste of our natural resources, and I do not wish to be the impetus for such.  Furthermore, I have so little regard for what you may have to say to your members, I will be shredding this second envelope unopened as I did the previous.  In fact, lets savor this together; I’ll do it now.  ...  That was cathartic.

Please cease all attempts at correspondence with me, I would rather not waste the paper, nor the 44 cents to communicate with you again.

Yours sincerely,

Daniel C. Hodges
Staff Sergeant, USAFR

cc: Branch Manager, UKFCU, Sir Barton Way.

thumbnail credit: “BANK” by Omer Unlu (CC BY 2.0)