anger and depression
I had an angry day today. There was no particular reason for it—I had a nice morning, breakfast, and I entertained myself watching the WWDC keynote. I was nonetheless angry. I wasn't angry at anything in particular; I was just angry. I fruitlessly played some Fallout to try and excise the anger by shooting things on TV, but in the end I just had to wait it out. It petered out sometime around when I made some dinner, and I've been fine since. This is not an uncommon day.
I have severe depression and anxiety.
Looking back, Rebecca and I agree that it probably started around 2006, though neither of us really realized it at the time. It came to a head in Autumn 2012. It was bad: I wouldn't get out of bed, I would sit in front of my computer for hours literally doing nothing, I would break down crying for no reason, and sometimes I wouldn't even bother to eat. The breakthrough for me was reading this by Wil Wheaton, and watching this by Ze Frank. They talked about their struggles with depression and anxiety, really showing me a mirror of what I'd been feeling.
I want to thank everybody who helped me and was available when things were bad. I'd've had a much rougher time of it had you not been there.
I've been receiving treatment from the VA since that Autumn. I'll never "get over" depression and anxiety; they're with me for the rest of my life. I take my medicine, I see my psychiatrist and psychologist, and I have family and friends to support me. I'm now in a place where I'm managing my symptoms fairly well, and hope to progress even further.
I wish it were as easy as simply being happy again. I used to be happy as a default state, and now I have to work to come close to what I used to take for granted. I miss that old me.